Thinker or Talker??
- Alice Ranker
- Apr 6
- 3 min read
Recently, during a coaching session, my client and I were discussing how her partner was avoiding some tough conversations. Here are some of the points we discussed in the session:
It doesn't matter how much growth one person makes if the other partner is emotionally immature or has a lot of unresolved trauma. It takes two healthy people to have a healthy relationship. (Healthy not perfect, perfect doesn't exist. And it is nuanced, this is not to say that you can't both be working on yourself. I hope you are always 'working on yourself' as you grow and evolve as a person. But one being stagnant or refusing to evolve while the other one continues to grow will cause issues.)
Taking time to process, especially during a growth season, when you are trying to deepen your self awareness, or when implementing new tools is essential. And, I would encourage you to write things down. Often our emotions sound different on paper once they are outside of our mind.
When you take time to self-reflect you may not need so much time to process during the conversation because you have already given some thought to what you need or desire in that situation.
Understanding Different Processing Styles
Have you ever been in a conversation where someone needs an answer right away, but you find yourself pausing, reflecting, and needing a little more time? Or maybe you’re the one who processes quickly, while someone else seems to take forever to respond. These differences in processing styles can lead to frustration, misunderstanding, or even self-doubt if we don’t take the time to understand them.
We live in a world that often values quick decisions, instant responses, and efficiency over depth. But the truth is, people process information and emotions at different speeds. Some individuals need extra time to sit with an idea, feel through an emotion, or analyze a situation before they can articulate their response. Others are able to process in real-time, immediately knowing what they think and how they feel. Neither approach is right or wrong—it’s simply a reflection of how our minds and hearts work.
Why Self-Reflection Matters
The key to navigating these differences starts with self-reflection. Without understanding your own processing style, it’s easy to feel pressured, frustrated, or even inadequate. If you are someone who needs more time, you might feel rushed or unheard. If you’re a fast processor, you may grow impatient with others who don’t respond as quickly. Taking time for self-discovery allows us to honor our own needs while also developing patience and understanding for those around us.
Avoidance: When Processing Turns Into Retreat
Sometimes, what seems like a slow processing style is actually avoidance. Avoidance happens when we delay responses, not because we need time to think, but because we fear the outcome. It can stem from anxiety, past trauma, fear of confrontation, or a deep-seated need for perfection. When avoidance takes over, it prevents genuine self-reflection and keeps us stuck in a cycle of indecision.
Recognizing when we are truly processing versus when we are avoiding is crucial. If you find yourself repeatedly putting off decisions, withdrawing from conversations, or feeling overwhelmed at the thought of answering, it might be worth exploring what is holding you back. Self-awareness can help you gently push through avoidance and step into greater confidence and clarity.
The Power of Self-Discovery
Self-discovery is a journey of peeling back the layers of who you are, learning what makes you feel safe, confident, and understood. When you truly know yourself, you can communicate your needs to others, set healthy boundaries, and approach relationships with greater compassion. You can also free yourself from unnecessary guilt—understanding that taking time to process does not mean you’re indecisive, and processing quickly does not mean you’re dismissive.
A Gentle Call to Action
I invite you to take a moment for self-reflection today. (I would actually encourage you to make this a normal and consistent practice.) How do you process emotions and decisions? Do you allow yourself the time you need, or do you feel pressured to fit into someone else’s rhythm? Or do you avoid it all together? If you process quickly, do you offer patience to those who may need more time?
Consider journaling about a recent conversation or decision—how did you approach it? Were you true to yourself, your feelings, and your natural way of processing, or did you feel the need to adjust? Awareness is the first step in honoring yourself and fostering deeper connections with others.
You deserve to be understood—not just by those around you, but by yourself first and foremost. Embrace your unique way of thinking, feeling, and deciding. The more you know yourself, the more confidently you can walk through life with grace and understanding.
How do you process the world around you? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.
Have the best week!
Much love,
This was a great blog post! I am forever thankful for the ability to self-reflect and peel back the layers and learn what makes me safe, confident and understood. I tend to take a longer time than usual to process situations when it is a new topic or a very hard topic. But it's becoming easier and quicker to process things I've already spent time reflecting upon. Getting to a place where I am able to give myself and others compassion to take as little or as much time needed to process situations will always be a goal. I am guilty at times of avoiding topics when I fear the outcome though :/ Here's to being more courageous. Thanks f…